IfollowJesus's Xanga

just not too close, too close

Sat, 23 May 2009 14:38:23 GMT

Sophomore year at UMD is over. Halfway to my bachelor's...

There's just something about seeing the hills for the first time in too long. This semester was the longest time I've spent away from them. Five months. Eternity. My heart's so happy to see 34 and pass every familliar landmark. I see the stoplight by putnam village and think of all those nights I worked till midnight and drove home. There were never cars on the road, and it seemed like I always stopped at that light waiting for no one. I see Burger King and think of all the times brother and I would go to Burger King and Blockbuster ^_^. I pass the place that that car hit my dad and I in third grade and messed up my back. I make it through the Valley and see housing developments where there were once vacant fields. We turn onto Cow Creek, and I know I'm one minute from home. Then we pull into my driveway, and there it stands. Red brick and white columns, as always. There's always a new piece of furniture in my room I trip over when I come home. This time it was a bookcase that I was actually happy to see. I'm back to the house I grew up in, no matter how short my stay will be.

To be honest, I don't know where my home is anymore. I haven't been in any one place permanently since June 4, 2007. California, West Virginia, Maryland, Botswana? I guess that, right now, home's anywhere I happen to be. More accurately, it's anywhere God happens to be. I'm only at home when my heart's in line with His.

I fought Him so hard. There's something so calming about surrender. I thought I had let go. I was wrong. It's easy to think you're ok with something when you don't have to deal with it... But, when it shows up again, you see that it was never over. In some respects, I know that it never will be, but, in others, it's closer to better now. I plainly see that time doesn't fix anything. Time makes you forget, but, when it everything returns, you just see that it was only absent, never gone.

Futility can be so sweet. But then it's over. Just as over as it was before it began.

I watched Dubya today. Political/Recent Historical fiction. It breaks my heart to see what we've made God. Someone Who just listens to us when things aren't going our way. Someone we ask to bless us, when we curse Him with our lives. What does it mean to be "born again" in America? Certainly it's not being in love with God. Surely it's not giving up all that you have and following Him. Clearly it's not trading your hopes and dreams for His, because you know that He is all that matters. Obviously, it's not believing that Jesus won the victory over sin, as we accept defeat in our lives believing He can forgive us for the death we choose but can't save us from it. It's using God for our own gain. That's what God is in Dubya. If He's not real, He's shown as a superstition enough people held onto enough to base their vote on. And, honestly, is that too far from how so many treat Him? Some superstition? Something you talk to when stuff sucks? Something you appease so it won't bite? Is that really the God we've shown the world? Have we really defamed Him that much? What many have made Him is nowhere near Who He is. The god people have created in Dubya just doesn't exist.

I had this long paragraph of things that I can't say to you. How I hate the things that are unsaid. Maybe I can someday, but just not now. Maybe I hate that I can't bring up so many things without being afraid I'll see you get to the place where you're angry or, even worse, the place where you're cold. I hate when you're cold. I wish I could see why it makes you so bitter.

In other news, I saw the hills at my favorite time of day... It's just after the part of sunset where the sky is an array of color, but just before the sun goes down. It's almost level with the horizon, and the rays of light are just always so perfect. Everything's a different color. You can see the cause for your sight... rays of light are actually visible. It's almost tangible. I smiled =D. I don't know why I'm awake right now... I started writing this note, and it's somehow two hours later. Passing out I go...

I wanna be Your's

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:33:11 GMT

note time =D.

So I'm ten days away from residing back at UMD. It's been a grand couple of weeks here in Baltimore. haha I feel like a Jew during the Diaspora here sometimes though. MD does not equal Larissa's land... then again, i guess that's more characteristic of earth than maryland. It's neat to see all the random ways God's been working this month. He's so unpredictable *nod*.

I was on campus the other day, and it was so strange to see all the buildings. I really do wonder what this year holds. I'm ready to learn more. Honestly, a lifetime spent as a student is far too short. There's so much to learn, yet, the more I learn, the more I realize I do not know. It's something that really makes me appreciate God more. He knows so much and holds everything together and thought most of this stuff up. Learning about the stuff God devised can be so amazing. I think you can really do that in pretty much any field which is honestly just awesome. Math, science, comedy, art, history, language... all things God enjoys. Seriously though, I'm really glad we can so much to His glory. Wouldn't life be a bit less full if our praise to Him really were only restricted to song? If the focus were simply on what we did, but not the heart we brought into it?

Have I ever mentioned that C. S. Lewis is amazing? I bought a randomized collection of his writings before I left the 304, and I finally opened it the other day. I love seeing the way God speaks through that man and the random little things he says that sound so British. It seems like he can articulate most things so incredibly well. I think I just love the way Lewis can talk about deep spiritual things on an intellectual level without making them lose their substance, reality, and spiritual significance and stuff. He does such a good job of examining God with his mind while not losing the ability to make the connection to his heart. He's not a God Who can fit into the small confines of our minds, but He still helps us understand Him better there.

Redemption, Passion, Glory is a pretty pretty song. =D

The view from the top of Federal Hill hasn't ceased to intrigue me... a little park with a bit of history in the middle of a ginormous city with a ridiculous view. It's not like home. You don't look out and see the sun rising and setting over mountains or trees. Your eyes are filled with buildings and highways. Urban. Industry is everywhere. You see a whole city filled with people, their buildings, their entertainment, and the things they enjoy. Everything's moving. So many sounds... It's so nice to do something extreme like shut up and listen occassionally. Stop making noise and start hearing something. Maybe I'm just intimidated by the city, but I'm always most fascinated to see it at sunrise. It has to be the only time when most things are silent. Still. That's something I've wanted to be. still. Honestly, it strikes me as a such a pity that the only time it can be something reminiscent of still here is when no one is awake. At all other times, it's so restless. I'm not inclined to feel that we were meant to live that way. I want more.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:32:17 GMT

I realized that I haven't written one of these things in a while, so I thought I would =D.

Summer is drawing to a close for me. I fly out of West Virginia at 7:30 am on august 4. I'll be landing in Baltimore around 10:30 (b/c the most direct flight I could get takes me to Cincinatti first?).God's been making me ready to go to that big ginormous city to do whatever it is He's planning for me. So umm yeah. So long sweet summer.

Isn't it such a neat feeling to be at church? Like just to be in the same room as a bunch of other people your age talking about things that people have questioned (and still do) since there were people? I'm pretty well for it. It just makes me so glad sometimes to stop and think that these are hearts that exist just to love and serve God. You may all hardcore fail, but their purpose is just like your's. I'd really missed seeing people God had grabbed a hold of. Don't get me wrong. I love where I am in Maryland, and I know at I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I hope God gives me the same peace about Maryland that He gave me about here. He put me there, and I'm so secure in that, but feelings are a tricky tricky beast, aren't they?

One thing I've really been wondering as of late is when, oh when, did the world become so devoid of hope? Ofcourse, the Sunday School answer is "when sin entered the world," and, I know that's true. But, my, sin is so far reaching and damages everything that we are. It's so striking to see all the different ways people try to add some measure of purpose or hope to their meaningless existences, isn't it? We really were made just for You, weren't we? I'm so tired of reading psychological/philosophical books that talk about this self-absolution business. There is no self-absolution. The potential can't lie in us. It's in You. Thanks for making me on purpose =D.

I want to be more beautiful inside. I keep stopping and thinking "man, did I really just think that?" How did this get into my heart? Your heart is so pretty. Why isn't mine like Your's? Infection is the antonym of joy. You're the cure. You created all things well, and only You can restore us to that state.

Andrew brought up the idea of the what if game earlier. Remember that game from when you were a kid? He had such a neat idea of seeing what the world would have been like devoid of all the Hitlers, Maos, and unpleasant events we've seen. While I certainly wonder that sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to see how minute details can affect so many people. What if one person smiled at another or held the door or something? Would someone remember that there is still something good on this earth? What if a little kid picks flowers at a national park? haha It'd be interesting. I guess no man really is an island, afterall.

this dying world You brought it back to life

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 14:06:24 GMT

i haven't posted in a while *shrug* the world shant end.

it's been an interesting several months. i was out of town ever weekend in april except the one when i got into a car accident. *sigh* God is good all the time though. ive been having a hard time obeying Him lately though. learning to trust You is so much harder than it should be... it's so silly of me to wonder where i should go when stuff happens, when i know that You're telling me to fall on You.

"there is nowhere I can go even in the depths of the sea You're not too far away. When i wake, when i sleep, You are capturing me with a love that knows no end at all."

Disciple writes pretty truth. God is love, and He has no end. coming back to fall in love with Him again is kind of like learning how to drown... we are alive in Christ, so we must be dead to sin.

hmm... i read John 3 this morning (after missing 3 days of the Word >_<), and this passage really stuck out:

"For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.
He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of
God. This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

right after the famous John 3:16, Jesus continues with these words. He wants to save our lives, yet we get scared and think He's only trying to judge us for our wrong. we forget that He's so in love with us, and He just asks that we believe in Him, for truly believing He is Who He says and does what He did/does renders you with no choice but to absolutely love Him. dont i look so dark next to Your Light? on our own, we're so far from what He is, but when we let Him live through us, aren't we the most radiant things ever? but yeah... that's some of the stuff God used to speak to my heart this morning... be in His light. *nod*

btw... i dont have an accountability person up here, and that's not very good for larissa. pray for me? k thanks. ^_^

so on the way home/back from Steve and Denise's wedding, the mountains were glorious. it was the first time id seen them radiating in verdance in the sunlight. the last time i had seen the mountains, they were dead, leafless forms, but this time, they were alive and so vibrant. the higher elevations didn't have their leaves in yet, so they looked so golden in the light. beautiful. the contrast just reminded me of how God can take death and make such life... everything melts away, and He just gives us "the most beautiful of days." the hills were gorgeous ^_^.

and yeah Steve and Denise are now Steve and Denise Foster. it's a beautiful thing. *nod* God can bring beauty out of any kind of pain, cant He?

long walks in the rain are an amazing wonder. i looked outside last night and saw how hard the rain was falling, and i just had to experience it myself. i got so wet! ^_^ at the beginning of my walk, i danced and ran and looked so silly but had such joy. then i regained my composure and thought about thinking. rain was once such a forum for my thought, but it just didn't happen, so i simply existed for a while. that was nice. as i began walking back, i noticed myself singing "Christ, be the center of our lives. be the place we fix our eyes. be the center of our lives... we lift our eyes to heaven. we wrap our lives around Your life. we lift our eyes to heaven to You." as i was lying on my pillow last night, i began to wonder just what those words mean. what is it for Christ to be the center of our lives? what is it for us to lift our eyes to Him or wrap our lives around His? i thought about it, and i realized that this song is about deeper concepts then our seemingly trite words can envelop. it has focus on the only thing that really matters. if we're looking at Christ in every decision we make in every part of our days, He's the center. if our relationships are founded with Him as the focus, it changes the way we interact with one another (this includes people who dont have Him in the center as well). it changes the words we say, the things we do.... even our attitudes and hearts. if God's our center and focus, if everything's done with Him in mind, then He really can live through us. be my center, Lord and Friend.

im not fluent in sense

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 00:38:12 GMT

so the matrix is a pretty amazing piece of media. after watching it for the billionth time today, i randomly started thinking about that thing Eldridge wrote about how any good story is simply reminiscent of the real story we find ourselves in. everyone's so lost in what they think is living that they cant realize the truth: they're really slaves. few minds are freed. when they are, it's the beginning of something epic that is unlike anything they could experience any other way, and the people in the matrix are almost incapable of comprehending the actual reality they live in. sound familiar? sounds a lot like the real story, doesn't it? hmm that was random.

break is drawing to a close soon. saturday i go back to maryland... a land whose perception of west virginia seems a bit like october sky meets mullets and incest. *shrug* ill miss the sweet tea and manners. im actually pretty happy to go back though. a new semester. *happy face* and i have such fun classes. i so miss my half of a room, my ridiculously unsoft mattress, the mini fridge of Jones Soda, waking up earlier than i intended only to get out of bed later than i needed, Teresa's entertained face when i make random noises, staying up too late, all the random little restaurants (especially the sunday lunches at five guys or popeyes), dc outings, and all the people that make life there better. im doing my best to learn to like it there. it's tiring to live in a place so close to dc. the mountains = home. i was, indeed, thankful for the uber long break though. nothing like being home to remember who you are. it's nice that people dont look at me like i dont know what wal-mart is b/c i dont believe in macro-evolution. ahh college.

i have a superchic[k] song stuck in my head, and i just thought id share. the anthem. why is it so freaking catchy?

as You did warn me, Carpenter, this world has weakened my heart.

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 03:42:58 GMT

i haven't posted in here in a while, but when have i ever posted in here often? i still read subscriptions, but it seems that there are fewer posts to read as of late. *shrug*

i read over my last post. so much changed a week after i wrote that. college is what i thought it would be in so many ways, but it's so regretably not in other aspects. i feel alone in the most terrible way in maryland sometimes. home helps me remember that im not the only one who still loves God. i thought for so long that if people could just begin to understand the way that God loves us (which defies our best attempts of comprehension), they could never deny Him. ive found that their lack of understanding of God is not from accidental ignorance... it's willful. people simply dont want God. i keep thinking of conversations i had with Lance. it breaks my heart that he didn't want the only love that could have given him a purpose. ive been randomly thinking of that night a lot lately. i can still hear Lucas screaming... i can see Greg and Jessica crying. i can see the expressions of confusion, loss, listlessness, and hopelessness spread over those faces. i still thank God that i left that room at 3:17. the halloween decorations lined the dark hallway in black... i feel like i did sitting in that lounge with the 6 or so of us who were awake to experience everything with police and the random counselors. i thought i had a sort of peace with everything a long time ago, but my mind remains so clouded. i miss you, Lance. and when i talk to people who think like you did, it scares me to death. when i think of my atheist friends, they remind me of him. i wish they could see that there is hope and meaning and blood-soaked sacrificial worth. it's so vexing when you have the one thing that can heal the destruction you live in, but no one wants Him. you have be careful so you wont drive them even further from the cure for their disease... the disease they dont even believe they have. they'd rather let the drugs/alcohol/selfish motivation/pride/[insert anything really] control them than Jesus... i suppose they're still deceiving themselves to believe they can stop anytime. it breaks my heart.

it's a new semester. among all the bad, there was good. we'll just pray that this time, none of us are institutionalized (again), no one gets any more concussions in car accidents, and we all see the end of the semester. im hoping there are more random game nights, movies, go fish, laughing about fro's with the Boom crew, jones soda, cookies and milk in the hallway, sober days, pixie stix with Brian, goetze's caramels and espn with Evan, days without disputes, staying up till five just having good conversations, and the lovely things we've shared with eachother on seven north. i find it intriguing that what used to bring a lot of people together (doing drugs together or drinking) is now the source of their contention. sin hurts. i hope everyone can remember what used to be good again.

i honestly just had to get some of that out somewhere. xanga is a suitable place i suppose. i wonder if the world has any intention of ever being how it should be so i could get some sleep. i know the answer to that >_<

there's little more lovely than our country roads. they take me to beautiful places. ive missed west virginia. there's just something about a beautiful place that does my heart so much good. i want to live some place that looks just like red house hill. beauty. lol i think i just want to own a whole mountain. that would be pretty amazing. leafless trees compliment gray skies so well. i just love winter. cold is most definitely my favorite. *nod* i wish there were more snow. it hasn't snowed since the day we went to the Turkish embassy. what a lovely scene that was... embassy row covered in snow. and poor, oh poor, snow-covered Ghandi. he wore little more than a sheet, and, my, did he look cold. the streetlamps with the snow were perfection. snowflakes were the size of half-dollars and larger. it was a beautiful evening... i didn't even mind the cold mile we walked from the metro to the embassy doors. i think nature is such an efficient mechanism of reminding us that life is so good.

oh and happy new year. i wish new years meant more to me, but it doesn't. just a digit of a date changing, friends.

i thought you said forever over and over

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 14:39:07 GMT

so someone hasn't posted in six months...

much has changed, ofcoarse. i finished high school, went to north carolina for a wonderful senior trip, went to california for an amazing summer of serving Jesus, came home for a week, and left for college, which has been a series of adeventures that just doesn't stop.

i currently reside in half of a small room, and i share a bathroom with sixteen females. >_< that's been an adjustment. im no longer around Christians most of the time. this is an amazing thing that ive been praying for. i live with thirty-five people, and we're all getting along quite nicely. i like it here. im under an hour out of baltimore, and im a couple metrostops out of dc or about 20 minutes by car. this certainly isn't west virginia. i found the bcm, which is pretty small, and along with it i found some Christians. ive been having a hard time making myself sit down and study lately. i promised id finish a couple things before colloquium later, so finish i shall. i only have one exam this week, but i really dont care. haha that's prolly a bad thing, but it's just chem lab. i really enjoy my jewish history class. sure, they're wrong about a lot of stuff, but i have the Holy Spirit to help me discern what's right. classes are interesting, college is fun, life is not what it once was, im not who i once was, and im having an amazing time following to see just where ill be led. He takes me places i never thought id go before.

does life ever feel like it was over before it ever began? sometimes i think it does. but then, doth it matter? sometimes i cant remember what it is to be larissa here. again, doth it matter? i really want to read some lewis. it's been some time since ive read for the simple pleasure of reading. i really want to read the problem of pain or the weight of glory. ive wanted to read them for a long long time, but i just haven't. i want more of Jesus. it's so hard to keep sight of Him sometimes. isn't it amazing that music can be such an inspiring thing? there's this amazing demon hunter song that im so glad God put in my heart... "keeping sight of the vow we made (never changing) holding fast to the hope (never losing ground) so when we stand in the line of wrath (never changing) the true and righteous will know (never losing ground)." there's just so much in those words. it's been an amazing song for now. hmm. i have Hope. just thought id share.

the unwinding cable car is a beautiful song. so are all the other songs on that album. i <3 anberlin.

these careless feet leaving trails never minding the fragile dirt we all end in.

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 21:24:33 GMT

these are some extreme times... or extreme days if you will ~_-

it's crazy that random bad stuff always happens all at once. the world is a frightening place indeed... good thing we're called to be unlike the world.

it's the most spring-like day we've had around here in a while. im beginning to love when it's lovely outside. i painted when i got home today... i hadn't done that in years. like ive painted in art class and stuff, but i hadn't painted of my own volition in a long while. i had forgotten how much i enjoy it. ofcoarse, no one will ever see it, but it's nice to attempt creativity every once in a while ^_^

calculus party at Mrs. Hourani's house tomorrow. be joyous everyone! twelve days... im almost ready.

i am the patron saint of lost causes.

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 19:15:15 GMT

i have a lot on my mind now, yet i cant seem to bring myself to make a post about any of it. just pray for my family since we lost another person that didn't need to die. life means so much. what irony that Easter, a day of life, resurrection, and hope could end in such despair, loss, and death. or pardon me, begin that way. pray especially for my Daddy and his parents. i dont feel like elaborating, but some things in life are so dark that they're best left without explanation.

sins, like skeletons, are so very hard to hide

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 21:40:43 GMT

i just thought id update b/c i hadn't in a while. i have nothing of importance to say... im still alive and life is grand even though circumstances aren't sometimes. keep your chins up kids... the battle's already won!