| | Sophomore year at UMD is over. Halfway to my bachelor's...
There's just something about seeing the hills for the first time in too long. This semester was the longest time I've spent away from them. Five months. Eternity. My heart's so happy to see 34 and pass every familliar landmark. I see the stoplight by putnam village and think of all those nights I worked till midnight and drove home. There were never cars on the road, and it seemed like I always stopped at that light waiting for no one. I see Burger King and think of all the times brother and I would go to Burger King and Blockbuster ^_^. I pass the place that that car hit my dad and I in third grade and messed up my back. I make it through the Valley and see housing developments where there were once vacant fields. We turn onto Cow Creek, and I know I'm one minute from home. Then we pull into my driveway, and there it stands. Red brick and white columns, as always. There's always a new piece of furniture in my room I trip over when I come home. This time it was a bookcase that I was actually happy to see. I'm back to the house I grew up in, no matter how short my stay will be.
To be honest, I don't know where my home is anymore. I haven't been in any one place permanently since June 4, 2007. California, West Virginia, Maryland, Botswana? I guess that, right now, home's anywhere I happen to be. More accurately, it's anywhere God happens to be. I'm only at home when my heart's in line with His.
I fought Him so hard. There's something so calming about surrender. I thought I had let go. I was wrong. It's easy to think you're ok with something when you don't have to deal with it... But, when it shows up again, you see that it was never over. In some respects, I know that it never will be, but, in others, it's closer to better now. I plainly see that time doesn't fix anything. Time makes you forget, but, when it everything returns, you just see that it was only absent, never gone.
Futility can be so sweet. But then it's over. Just as over as it was before it began.
I watched Dubya today. Political/Recent Historical fiction. It breaks my heart to see what we've made God. Someone Who just listens to us when things aren't going our way. Someone we ask to bless us, when we curse Him with our lives. What does it mean to be "born again" in America? Certainly it's not being in love with God. Surely it's not giving up all that you have and following Him. Clearly it's not trading your hopes and dreams for His, because you know that He is all that matters. Obviously, it's not believing that Jesus won the victory over sin, as we accept defeat in our lives believing He can forgive us for the death we choose but can't save us from it. It's using God for our own gain. That's what God is in Dubya. If He's not real, He's shown as a superstition enough people held onto enough to base their vote on. And, honestly, is that too far from how so many treat Him? Some superstition? Something you talk to when stuff sucks? Something you appease so it won't bite? Is that really the God we've shown the world? Have we really defamed Him that much? What many have made Him is nowhere near Who He is. The god people have created in Dubya just doesn't exist.
I had this long paragraph of things that I can't say to you. How I hate the things that are unsaid. Maybe I can someday, but just not now. Maybe I hate that I can't bring up so many things without being afraid I'll see you get to the place where you're angry or, even worse, the place where you're cold. I hate when you're cold. I wish I could see why it makes you so bitter.
In other news, I saw the hills at my favorite time of day... It's just after the part of sunset where the sky is an array of color, but just before the sun goes down. It's almost level with the horizon, and the rays of light are just always so perfect. Everything's a different color. You can see the cause for your sight... rays of light are actually visible. It's almost tangible. I smiled =D. I don't know why I'm awake right now... I started writing this note, and it's somehow two hours later. Passing out I go... |
| | Posted 5/23/2009 11:38 AM - 11 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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